Raising Independent Kids

Disclaimer - my kid isn't even 2 years old yet. I am not an expert on raising children. My views may change as Squid gets older.

So, I'm browsing Pinterest and looking at some family cooking and craft projects. And most of these projects have mom doing most of the work or severely supervising the children. One in particular mentioned how her project was a good one because her kids didn't need much supervision after she microwaved the chocolate for them.

The kids were teens and preteens. She talks about them having cell phones. She showed pics of kids well over the age of 10. Why do these kids need to be supervised in the use of a microwave?

By the time I was 10, I was preparing complete meals on the stove. I was trusted to do laundry on my own. I was mowing lawns. When did we start treating children like imbeciles?

How can we expect kids to ever learn to be self-sufficient if we continue to do everything for them? Yes, they might screw it up. That's part of the learning process. They may even sustain minor injuries. They will survive them.

I consider myself a decent cook. Not awesome. But people usually eat whatever I make and I get compliments on some of the stuff. As a kid, I burnt a lot of food. I mixed ingredients wrong. I didn't time when stuff would be done, so the sides would be cold and the entree hot. I eventually got the hang of it through trial and error.

The same thing with everything in life. I learned to hammer nails by hammering rusty, crooked nails into scrap wood. That was my grandpa's idea of a toy to keep my brother and me quiet for a while. Ok, probably not the best example, but we never got tetanus, although we did hammer our thumbs a few times.

Kids need the opportunity to screw up. They need the opportunity to take risks. Success is meaningless if the parent is responsible for it.

Let the kid microwave the chocolate. What's the worst that could happen? Over-cooking it? Making a mess of the microwave? Those are not disasters. Those are learning opportunities. Make them clean the mess and try again. You aren't going to be there to microwave their ramen noodles in college.

This is Getting Old

I hate to keep on about the same things, over and over. But the same things happen, over and over.

Took Squid shopping the other day. We needed a raincoat and we were going to look at bathing suits. I let her pick out a rain coat and she chose the girliest coat, pink with flowers or apples or some such nonsense. It's cute and she hugged it and smiled and wanted to wear it throughout the store.

Then we went over to the swimwear area to see what they have. She was instantly drawn to the Spiderman swim trunks. Have I mentioned how much this kid loves Spidey? I'm actually getting a little worried about her obsession. She pointed and smiled and said, "SPIDEY!" I acknowledged that the swim trunks did indeed have Spiderman on them. Then I sang the theme song as she danced in her seat. And as much as I would love to say I bought her the swim trunks, I can't. I told her we should try to get her a girl's swimsuit and we looked on the slightest chance that they might have a Spiderman bathing suit. They didn't. I showed her Dora, Minnie Mouse, Princesses Galore... even an Angry Birds. She emphatically shook her head no and pointed at the Spiderman trunks. I promised I would look and see what I could find online and guiltily bought her some Spidey pajamas.

When we were checking out, the cashier looked at our haul, which now included a cloth diaper for her doll and a purple doll stroller (she had tried to steal one from a kid at the mall the other day, so we figured a $10 toy was cheaper than jail time). The cashier looked at Squid and said, "Is this all for you? Oh, wait... not all. The pajamas must be for your brother."

"Nope," I replied. "They're hers. She's a big Spiderman fan."

The cashier looked a bit incredulous (seriously? over pajamas?) and smiled and continued to scan our items.

Don't you tell me what to do, cardboard dinosaur!

At home, I learned that they only make superhero bathing suits for nubile teens. WTH? I had Wonder Woman Underoos and such as a kid. Comics are HUGE right now. And all that's available for little girls is princesses and Dora. Wilting flowers waiting for a prince to come save them or a girl who is constantly getting lost in the woods.

When I mentioned the conundrum at work, my male coworkers laughed and smiled, knowing my daughter and her fanaticism for the web-slinger. A newer female coworker was aghast. "Why would you want her to wear a Spiderman bathing suit? Wouldn't she rather have a princess or Dora? She's a girl!"

I change her diapers, I am well-aware of her gender. And I watch her play mommy with her dolls and teddies and Spiderman plushie. She rocks them. She feeds them. And occasionally growls at them and bites their legs. I don't judge. Hell, I don't even attempt to understand anymore. I just go with the flow and encourage her to be herself.

Eventually, I was able to find a site selling toddler Spiderman Speedo-style swim trunks and a Spidey rash guard shirt. It'll work as a swimsuit. It's not as brave of a choice as letting her wear the boy trunks. But it's still a subtle way of telling society that it sucks. Of course, I could just as easily refuse to buy her any character-emblazoned outfits, barring superheroes and princesses alike. But I'd feel a bit like a hypocrite, telling her that she can't wear a Spiderman or Elmo shirt, while I walk around in my favorite Death or Dawn shirt.

Plus, I don't know how long this Spiderman phase will last. She may be done with it all next week. And as a geek, I need to be sure to fully enjoy any glimmer of geekiness my little Squid may have. So, I'll buy her the bathing suit that I have cobbled together. I will dress her as Princess Wonderwoman for C2E2. I will encourage her to emulate the best characteristics of the best superheroes. And I will try to teach her the meaning of a real superhero.... ones that don't wear capes. But mostly, I want her to realize that the media and retail industry does not need to decide what you will like. We do not need to start pigeonholing our children before they enter preschool. There are plenty of years and people who are going to try to stuff them into boxes. Let them enjoy the outside for a while first.

Teddy needs some fresh air.

Daddy's Birthday!

Yesterday was my husband's birthday. He's an April Fool's baby. It explains a lot. Trust me.

Due to work and scheduling issues, we didn't plan anything for this momentous occasion. But, I still wanted to do something for his birthday. I knew I would be bringing Squid with me to work yesterday for the "parent hand-off", so I thought, "How cute would it be for Squid to come to work carrying a bouquet of balloons?" So, of to Party City we went.

We looked at a bunch of balloons and Squid was pretty much fixated on Elmo and Spider-Man. We discussed the options as we waited in line (basically, Squid saying, "Elmo!" and me saying, "I don't think daddy will like Elmo as much as he would like Spider-Man." And her saying, "Spidey!").

An eavesdropping older woman in front of us commented on how cute the Squid is, then bent down to her and said, "I think your daddy would probably prefer to get one of the football balloons, don't you?" I explained that daddy doesn't really like football. So she said, "Well, they have basketball balloons, too. Maybe you should get him some of those instead of Elmo or Spider-Man."

Umm...No, lady. Daddy hates sports. Seriously. All sports. Well, he likes fencing, rugby, and roller derby, but they don't have balloons for those. Not all men like sports. Get over it!

Ok, what I said was, "No. He really doesn't get into any sports. He will like the Spider-Man balloons best." And Squid said, "Spidey?"

So, we ordered the Spider-Man birthday bouquet and the lady filling the balloons asked if they were for Squid. We explained that they were for daddy, and she said she figured. So, I mentioned that Squid picked them out. How she loves Spider-Man almost as much as she loves Elmo. The employee said, "Really? Most little girls like Hello Kitty instead."

As she filled the balloons, Squid smiled and squealed and pointed excitedly, saying, "Spidey! Spidey!" Then she started humming and dancing, presumably to the theme song in her head. The employee laughed and said that Squid is the coolest kid she's ever met.

We know...

Equality

Yesterday, on the Bringing Up Squid Facebook page, I posted the the following:

 Whenever we are out in public and someone makes a comment about Squid's future boyfriends or husband, we always make sure to say, "Or girlfriend or wife." We've received some strange looks, some laughter, and some mild chiding... "Oh, don't say things like that. You're going to want grandkids some day."

I don't care where on the Kinsey scale Squid's sexual orientation falls. I want her to be in a happy, healthy relationship. Or to find happiness on her own. But, should she choose to marry some day, I hope that it is a legally binding marriage that bestows all the rights and responsibilities a couple deserves.

I'm working today, but keeping on eye on what's going on in Washington as the Supreme Court is hearing the Prop 8 case. My heart is with all these people, especially the families whose legal status is in limbo, waiting for 9 people to make a decision that will have such a deep impact on them.

When I was still nursing Squid, I spent an way too many hours watching TV. It seemed that most of my day was spent watching Netflix. To make myself feel better about watching so much television, I started watching documentaries. One of those documentaries was For the Bible Tells Me So, a film that interviews five Christian families who have a homosexual child.

One of the mothers disowned her daughter when she came out. Her daughter ended up committing suicide. I sat there, holding my newborn little girl, trying to imagine any scenario that would cause me to disown her. I couldn't imagine telling my daughter that she was not part of the family simply because she loved differently than I did. I sat and rocked her with tears streaming down my face. I'm sure hormones played a part, but I was truly shaken by the words the mother had written to her own daughter.

Granted, I am a liberal with many LGBT friends. I have grown up around gays and lesbians and transgendered folk. And Squid will grow up around many same-sexed couples, seeing that love has no boundaries. Maybe she will find love with another man. Maybe another woman. Maybe both or neither. But I do want her to know that she is loved and accepted for who she is, by her immediate family and by her extended family of people who love her simply because they know her. 

I really do hope that by the time she is considering marriage, we will be over this archaic nonsense defining marriage by sexual organs. I know that I am doing my best to do my part.

Geekiness, Level II - ACHIEVED!

Previously, I have blogged about our evening ritual. Every night, before bed, Squid and the parent du jour (or would that be parent du nuit?) snuggle and watch an episode of Star Trek. We've been doing this for a little over a year now, nearly every night. I don't think either of us had realized how much of an impact this ritual has on our little girl.

She hums along with the theme song, too!

In addition, we watch ASL signing videos with her, teaching her some simple signs to make communication with a toddler less stressful. These are wonderful videos, with fun songs. She absolutely loves them and has picked up quite a vocabulary.

Trust me. There's a reason I mention the signing.

The last couple of days, in the evening, she has decided that we are too slow and not getting the nighttime ritual going early enough for her. Squid goes to her room, pulls a blanket and a pacifier through the bars on her crib, drags them to the living room, and climbs up into the recliner. If we have not gotten the hint by then, she makes the ASL sign for "stars". And hands us the remote. "Stars". Remote for turning on the tv. Must be time for Star Trek. Now, if we could only teach her to differentiate which series she wants to watch.

Night of the Living Parents

I mean to post more. But it's been a stressful, hectic time in the Ivey household. We've been working overtime, juggling schedules because of babysitting issues, dealing with minor illnesses, and dealing with general toddlerhood.

To make it all so much more fun, Squid has decided sleep is for sissies. We're not exactly sure what the issue is, but she wakes up like clockwork at 1 a.m. and again at 5 a.m. nearly every morning. It may be the molars that are taking their sweet fricking time coming in. It might be a cold. It could be all the thinking she's doing, learning so much every day at such a rapid rate.

Whatever it is, she wakes up screaming bloody murder and won't fall asleep unless we're holding her. Needless to say, nobody's sleeping much.

So, one of us gets up and rocks her back to sleep, often falling asleep as well. We have tried a variety of methods to get her to sleep and stay asleep. I even asked the doctor about melatonin (she said no). Nothing works. She wants to be held.

A friend remarked on how she really doesn't miss those days with her children. And I don't blame her. But....

As tired as I am, as much as I would love a full night's sleep, as aggravated as I get that I have the one child who can't sleep through the night at nearly two.... there's a moment of bliss when she quiets down as soon as I lift her from the crib. When she wraps her arms around my neck and snuggles against me, as if Mommy is the only one who can drive the demons away and make everything better. When she so easily falls asleep in my arms, yet wakes up the instant she senses I am putting her back in her crib.

I'm not going to pretend that I am as enlightened at 1 a.m. I'm generally tired and often a bit crabby. But, I do try to remember that this is temporary, that one day I won't have a baby who needs mommy or daddy snuggles to fall asleep. That, if I do my job right, one day she will barely need me at all.

So, I pray that these damn teeth come in soon, that this physical or mental growth spurt passes quickly without incident, that tonight is the night she decides to sleep straight through. But, if I am awake at 1 a.m., rocking a whimpering baby, I hope to cherish that one moment of peace that comes in the still of the night.

Still alive

I know... I've been quiet this past week. I've been working some overtime and the plague visited our home for a few days. I am forever indebted to Aunt Kris for letting Squid spend the night one night so I could get some rest. Now, I am trying my best to get caught up on life, so the blog has had to sit on the backburner.

Squid has not slowed down, however. She's as active and goofy as always. The "terrible twos" are in full force already. She has lost pretty much all of her limited vocabulary, save the word "NO!"

This morning, she was playing with one of her phones (an antiquated BlackBerry with the battery and memory removed). She was chattering away when she handed Daddy the phone. Dutiful Daddy answered the phone, just like anyone does when handed a phone by a toddler.

"Hello? Oh, hi. Yes, this is Squid's daddy. I just got off work and I'm spending some time with Mommy and Squid before I head off to bed. Yes, Squid is right here. Let me get her."

He holds out the phone to a waiting Squid and says, "Do you want to talk to your friend?" She looks at him, looks at the phone, shakes her head and says, matter-of-factly, "No." Then walks away.

Moments later she was babbling excitedly into the phone, presumably to another "friend", cattily complaining about the loser friend who keeps calling at all hours and can't take a hint.

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The Bringing Up Squid FaceBook page now has 50 likes! We'll be running a giveaway for a ThinkGeek gift certificate. You know you want one. Check out the page for details, which will be posted as soon as I can get them there!